January is almost over (thank, Cthulhu!) which means I have to have something to show for it (see No Resolutions).

I had hoped it would be a song. Or perhaps a short story for the kids. I am still holding out hope for the former, but it seemed unnecessary to stress myself out when I’d already made a perfectly horrible batch of cookies which would satisfy an item on my list (see image below).

So, without further ado, I bring you my recipe for Eisenhower Molasses Clump Chocolate Chip Cookies, which are just a slight spin on the Weight Watchers 1 Point Cookie.

Eisenhower Molasses Clump Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients

1 egg white
Baking soda (1/4 tsp)
Flour (3/4 cup)
Semisweet chocolate chips (1/2 cup)
Low-fat Vegetable oil spread (4 tbsp)
Salt (dash)
Light brown sugar (1/2 cup)
Molasses (1 tbsp)
Vanilla extract (1 tsp)

Instructions

Dump the light brown sugar in a bowl and pour in the molasses. Spend a few minutes cleaning up the outside of the jar, because that shit gets everywhere. Smash the molasses and light brown sugar together in uneven clumps so that it looks horrible. You want to be sure that it will distribute unevenly so that some cookies taste like the ectoplasmic residue from the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Add in the butter and cream. No, don’t add extra cream. “Cream” as in the verb. Ugh that word is gross. Just fucking drop the butter into the sugar mixture and whack with a wooden spoon until soft and then stir until your hand cramps. It should look vaguely like icing, but with small chunks in it.

Crack an egg over the bowl and pass the yolk back and forth between shell halves until the whites run down the side and into the bowl. Don’t worry if you get any shell in there things cannot get any worse at this point.

Mix the egg white into the sugar concoction, adding in the salt and vanilla extract.

In a separate bowl, combine the flour and baking soda. I don’t really know how to do it, considering it’s like combining a huge pile of sand with a tiny tiny sprinkle of another sand that looks the same but is different. Just toss it around a bit, I suppose.

Now “fold in” the flour mixture with the wet stuff. I dunno, I just dumped one bowl into the other. It looked awful.

Stir and stir and stir until you cannot see the flour anymore (except for the bits all over the countertop at this point). Once the mixture looks halfway decent, add in the chocolate chips.

Preheat the oven to 350 (I think, I don’t really remember).

Grab a nonstick baking sheet and don’t add any spray to it (like I did). Form small bits of the cookie dough (1/2 teaspoon or roughly the size of the middle section of your pinkie finger) and drop on the sheet. You’ll know it’s the right size because it looks ridiculous, like you’re baking cookies for a chipmunk. Leave a half-inch or so in between each cookie. You should be able to make 48 of these fuckers.

Take the spoon and eat the raw, leftover batter while crying for a few minutes.

Cookies should be done by the time your tears are dry (3-4 minutes).

Let cool on a rack or just toss them scalding into your mouth I don’t care.